I don't have a close relationship with my mother or father...to make a seriously long story short, my mom kicked me out when I was 19 and I haven't really looked back. She kicked me out because she gave me only one month to find a job and I didn't meet her deadline. At that time I had extreme social anxiety and the thought of having to apply and go for an interview was terrifying! She just didn't understand that I was suffering from major anxiety disorder. I did try though, I just didn't get any calls back. After she kicked me out, I wrote her a letter that year telling her how I still wanted to be in contact with her and I wanted to have a relationship but she really didn't seem to care. We'd see each other every now and again but I would only talk to her if I called her. She lived (and still lives) 20 minutes from me and never makes any attempt to contact me. It blows my freaking mind, yall. So I stopped trying. It's really weird but the older I got, the more I just acted like she didn't exist...and I still act that way. But Mother's Day is a great big reminder of what I don't have and it sucks. The boy tells me I should be the bigger person and make contact but I just haven't been brave enough to do it yet. My mom and dad are pretty screwed up in their own ways and I've always had to be the bigger person about things. I let them treat me like complete crap in my childhood (obviously no choice) and in my adult life and I'm just tired of it...tired of always having to be the one to step up when I was the child, not the parent. It forced me to grow up so fast...
I'd love to have the perfect family...a mom and dad who are there for me and look out for me but I don't. So I just exist without one of the most basic needs and I'm sure it's affected me. I just stuff it down, you know? Sorry if this is a downer post but I had to get that out!! I'm so inspired by LA's recent post that I am compelled to be a little bit more "real" in my blog too. I hope you'll do the same in yours ;) I kind of shy away from sharing more about me for fear or turning people off or being "exposed" but no more. I want you guys to know that behind all the cute, there is more :)
off to eat a million gummy worms,
MK
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16 lovely readers said...:
:( well i will share my momma with you any day. she would love you to infinity and beyond. i promise. :)
thanks for sharing dear--i know how hard vulnerability can be...especially on the big bag internet!
If it's any consolation, just because you didn't/don't have a good relationship with your parents doesn't mean that you are stuck in that kind of a cycle. Both of my parents were born to alcoholic and sometimes abusive fathers and did not have great relationships with their moms, but they made the choice to not be like their parents and weren't at all!
lots of hugs to you, and i will be happy to share my mommy goodness with you :)
one thing i have learned, and i think has helped me understand relationships, is that just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to like them. and to some extent, you can "love" a person and not really "like" them as well. we are all tied to our biological family, but only truly through genetics. we expect ourselves to feel a certain way, but our expectations may not actually reflect our feelings.
i don't know you, i just read your blog, but you sound like a grown-up to me. you've made the important overtures, and if the parents can't be grown-ups and accept or make their own, then...maybe letting them mature way over there is not the worst idea.
so, and i realize this is advice from a stranger, but sometimes i think that helps us change our perspective, you are already being the bigger person. maybe...find the mother you want in your friends, who share, who give advice and tell you the truth and say, "oh honey, don't wear THAT", and when your own mother grows up a little, she'll realize that she's missing out on a person who seems to have it going on and is doing just fine on her own.
i guess i could just say don't force it just because you think you should. you won't be happy and it will cause more conflict in the end.
You know, great friends can almost make up for a lack of good parents. I'm really sorry you had to grow up with that, it must be hard. I'm sure that all the supportive people around you are more than happy to give you the love that you need.
:)
I love reading your blog, it lets me know I'm not alone.
I'm sorry to hear that sweetpea!! I can share your feelings on the father part of it. My step-father has been (and still is) an emotionally abusive nutcase to my mom and I since I was 5 years old. I know how awful that is, and I hope that even though mother's day and father's day aren't fun for you, that there are some beautiful people in your life that understand that and decide to make those days amazing with you anyway!
all these ladies are right...you don't get to choose your parents or the world you were brought into, but you do get to choose to be better. i have one great mom and a "dad" who hasn't been there since i was young, and to be honest i dont feel like im missing out. i dont have any siblings so it has been the greatest thing in the world for me to be able to pick my brothers and sisters...and i love every one of them...as i've gotten older i've really made my own family, and i am so grateful. just find your tribe girl, they're out there! and i always say...if you have to force it, it shouldn't go.
peace. respect. mad love.
...m
Thank you for sharing this! All you can do is learn from them how not to treat your children! I am sorry that you cannot be closer to them though.
everyone has their own shit to deal with....but i simply don't understand a mother that can't/won't communicatie with her child.
i hope you've found comfort in the supportive posts here and in the friendships you've made via the interwebs. even if we haven't met face to face, we can support each other.
love you,
jax
Guess what? I feel exactly the same way as you do... My parents got divorced when I was 6 months old and they met someone else when I was between a year and 2, so I kind of have 2 moms and 2 dads... My real mom and dad don't get on very well: in fact they have been in court several times and my mom hates him... and me. Why? 3 or 4 months she told me that she loved me but also hated me because I was so alike to my dad! And after crying and yelling each other she bump me out and.. there you can see me: alone in the street, without keys or mobile phone or money or clothes... I went to a friend's and asked her to help me: that's how I asked my dad to let me live with him, his wife and my 2 little adorable step-sisters.
As I said, it's been 3 or 4 months since that but I still miss my mom and my brother (which I cannot see and is 8 years old)... She has never called me, and doesn't want to know anything about me. She tells my brother that I have abandoned them and I won't be back ever.
That's why I understand you, sweetie... because you were 19 and that time and I'm 19 now, but I feel as if I had never had a real mom. I'm lucky 'cause my dad and his wife love me, and I have a great boyfriend and lovely friends... but people would not understand how a persona can miss the love of her mother.
I'm sorry if I bored you, it's just that I started talking and couldn't stop! and I don't really know if you understood me 'cause my English sucks a lil bit, but really.. if you don't want to read it.. i'm sorry. i'm sorry not for us, but for our moms, who don't really know what they lost.
Georgina. (and yeah, I should post someday.. but I'm so busy right now!)
Hugs Mel ♥ I really dislike Mother's Day too- but mine is because I don't have any children. I made a choice long ago to stay with a man that was a lot older than I am with a grown daughter and in that choice I gave up having a family. I also dislike Father's Day- but for messed up parent reasons- just like you. I wish I lived closer and we could hang out together on Mother's Day and Father's Day drinking margaritas and ignoring the holiday ♥ I love that you are keeping it real-wish I was braver on my blog. Maybe you'll inspire me a bit! It is our own blog, right? Intended to be a reflection of us, good and bad--cheerful or grumpy. Good friends care about both and will keep reading ♥
great blog u have here! loving it!
((((hugs)))) for Melly Kay!!!
thank you all and thank you for sharing your stories! i really appreciate the support *hugs to all*
I have recently found your blog and was reading through your posts and had to comment. I'm sorry your parents refuse to see what a wonderful daughter they have in you. Honestly it's their loss not yours. I do hope they will try to form a relationship with you again but if it doesn't happen don't beat yourself up over it. They have issues they need to work out and they won't be any good for you until they do. And as others have stated, you are free to share my mom with me. She would gladly call you her daughter. :-)
Mel, I had to comment, you are in the same boat as my boyfriend. After highschool he was kicked out, and same as you, his parents made no effort to maintain contact with him. I have been with him throughout all of this, for 7 years, and he still struggles with the feeling of abandonment etc frequently.
We have gotten through it together, with the help of my family; and I am so glad you have the support of your boyfriend to help you.
The way I see it, my boyfriend and I are working together on building a new family unit, and we can learn from our parents mistakes to become better parents ourselves one day in the future.
I just wanted to tell you this so you know you are not alone!
x
Oh, girl, that sure sounds like a tough story! But it also shows how brave and strong you are! I don't know you, but according to what you say, it's evident that you've grown a lot and I congratulate you for that ;-). I don't have my mom either, she passed away almost 2 years ago and my dad had a stroke 5 years ago and is not in the best condition, so I can understand what it is like not to have your mom and dad as most random girls do.
My mom was very smart and had to go through pretty heavy stuff when she was a little girl. She told me that she could get over it, though, when she made her own family :). She said that it was then when she could live all the nice things she couldn't live as a child. I'm sure the same will happen to you. Although, of course, it's never too late to try to make things up with your parents ;-).
Sorry I've written so much and thanks a lot for sharing =). Super tight hug!
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