I don't have a close relationship with my mother or father...to make a seriously long story short, my mom kicked me out when I was 19 and I haven't really looked back. She kicked me out because she gave me only one month to find a job and I didn't meet her deadline. At that time I had extreme social anxiety and the thought of having to apply and go for an interview was terrifying! She just didn't understand that I was suffering from major anxiety disorder. I did try though, I just didn't get any calls back. After she kicked me out, I wrote her a letter that year telling her how I still wanted to be in contact with her and I wanted to have a relationship but she really didn't seem to care. We'd see each other every now and again but I would only talk to her if I called her. She lived (and still lives) 20 minutes from me and never makes any attempt to contact me. It blows my freaking mind, yall. So I stopped trying. It's really weird but the older I got, the more I just acted like she didn't exist...and I still act that way. But Mother's Day is a great big reminder of what I don't have and it sucks. The boy tells me I should be the bigger person and make contact but I just haven't been brave enough to do it yet. My mom and dad are pretty screwed up in their own ways and I've always had to be the bigger person about things. I let them treat me like complete crap in my childhood (obviously no choice) and in my adult life and I'm just tired of it...tired of always having to be the one to step up when I was the child, not the parent. It forced me to grow up so fast...
I'd love to have the perfect family...a mom and dad who are there for me and look out for me but I don't. So I just exist without one of the most basic needs and I'm sure it's affected me. I just stuff it down, you know? Sorry if this is a downer post but I had to get that out!! I'm so inspired by LA's recent post that I am compelled to be a little bit more "real" in my blog too. I hope you'll do the same in yours ;) I kind of shy away from sharing more about me for fear or turning people off or being "exposed" but no more. I want you guys to know that behind all the cute, there is more :)
off to eat a million gummy worms,