as you might be able to tell from the title, i am not in the best of moods today :P
i'm tired, my head hurts, and i smell like wet dog. (which is the worst part of working at a doggie daycare besides the massive amounts of poop and wee wee)
i am learning a lot from the indie biz class, but it's kind of taking a toll on me mentally. not the class itself, but the feelings and thoughts i'm conjuring up. maybe it's a little bit of the fact that i feel like i'll never be where my instructors are...they are successful indie business women and i just don't know if i have the drive to make LAMC my full-time job. these feelings have been in the back of my mind way before the class but now i really can't stop feeling like i'll never succeed in the way that i'd like. (i.e. making it into full-time job that supports me) i know that i should believe in myself A LOT more but there is some kind of wall there....i have a resistance to truly believing in myself and i know that's something i am going to have to resolve before i can continue.
the average person would look at all the accomplishments i've had and be proud and inspired. i'm proud of myself, but i never get to enjoy being proud because i'm always thinking i could be and do so much more. i put myself down for not being and doing more...i used to sell my paintings online a while ago and i made a lot of money doing it. now i'm selling stuff on etsy and even though i haven't had a ton of sales, i've been doing great and i've had a lot of wonderful feedback from people from all over the world. i should be happy and motivated. i should be ready to make this dream come true, right? wrong.
i feel so much stress and pressure (mainly that i put on myself) and it makes me just want to quit and not deal with it.
(it's so hard admitting that.)
another thing that isn't helping is i don't have a "real life" support system. my online/bloggy friends are fabulous and so supportive but in real life i have the boy and one true friend....that's about it which is sad to say! i don't have a close relationship with anyone in my family either. (that's a seriously long blog for another day) i have lots of associates and people i know, but i don't have many true true friends anymore. i'm starting to realize that it really makes a difference having people that are truly there for you...
i am starting to realize how isolated i have become and i don't like it.
sorry this is such a downer post but i think i need more of them. i bottle all this shit up and it's time to release it and grow from it.
my life has not been all roses that's for damn sure. i've had to work hard to get where i'm at and i just want to relax mentally! i don't want to always have these feelings lingering. i want to be content with things. *sigh*
i need a glass of wine or two...or 30.
Happy Friday peoples and enjoy your weekend. I'm going to meditate a lot this weekend and try to regain my composure/focus. I think that we all need to have meltdowns every now and again to stay sane.
This is my meltdown, don't judge me lol.
Friday, September 11, 2009
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5 lovely readers said...:
i totally understand! i am feeling the same way about wanting to have a baking business, or just something that i LOVE instead of this day-to-day posting insurance payments crap that i do now. and i also get the lack of "real life" friends. it's tough. hang in there, but don't be afraid to let this stuff out!!
This cookie looks really cute <3
And I am also feel sad. I want to have many real friends and maybe a boyrfiend :(
take care
Hugs to you! I do not have many "real life" friends either- can totally relate there. The ones I do have are about 20 years older than me- so not always exactly in tune with what I might have going on. I think it is hard for lots of people to believe in themselves and believe they can live their dreams. I think even some of the most successful artists out there have days they have thought this. Hang in there- and know there are people out here you can sound off to anytime you need to :)
thanks yall! it's good know people can relate. sometimes you start to think you're the "only one" and i know that we all go through tough times! i wish you all lived closer ;)
*HUGS* (albeit a little late to you) You should be really proud of your work, I think it's adorable and it always makes me smile. But I know it has to be hard to make run smoothly, especially without a lot of good support. I'm not too far away if you ever want to grab a cupcake!
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