Friday, May 29, 2009

It's 3:24 am...

do you know where your children are?

Or further more, do you know why I'm still awake when I have to be at work in 3 hours and I haven't been to sleep yet. Tomorrow will be misery, certainly *sigh* Insomnia sucks. Coffee rules.

I can't blame it totally on that though. I've just had a lot on my mind. I have those pesky thoughts about my life and where it's going and how the hell did I get where I am right now...those annoying kind of thoughts that bring you down, boo.

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I'm either going to have a major triumph or a nervous breakdown. Either way I'm hoping it will all be settled by 30. -me

I jokingly typed ^^that in my profile but I really think there was a lot of truth in that jest. But that's a topic for another time (or another blog because I am thinking about separating the business/creativity blog, less apathy.more cake, from my personal life stuff. I will make another blog for that. May or may not happen but I'm thinking on it).

I guess I'll pose this question for now because it's really been on my mind. I was reading a quote from this chick from the tv show LOST and it really made my gears start turning. She was talking about how, she started walking around with a smile even if she wasn't happy and in doing this she started to become happy for real. She said she felt fake at times but she would have rather been fake and happy than real and miserable.

hmm. that last sentence was the agitator for me.

I can understand being positive even if you don't necessarily feel positive. BUT for me, being fake is just not something I can do. Well scratch that, I CAN do it but I don't like it. It makes me feel sick inside. I had to be fake during my youth and it wasn't my choice really. I had to do what I had to do to survive in a world of craziness that was my parent's divorce and the long aftermath. I didn't agree with a lot my mom or dad did or said but I had to act like I did. I also spent a lot of time not being myself around my peers. I didn't (and still don't sometimes) have a sense of who I really am. I think that's why I have such strong emotions about being fake now as an adult.

I am very hard on myself when I even feel like I've been fake. I try to be real as possible and anyone who truly knows me will tell you that. It gets me in trouble quite often but I just can't be any other way. I mean sure, we all have to kind of be fake at times for whatever reason but certain people that I have to be around seem to have no problem being faker than fake. For instance at a certain place I visit a lot, certain people can't stand each other and certain people can't stand the same person, and vice versa....but everyone tends to act like it's kumbaya in that mother effer, ya know? I understand having to be cordial to keep things from going all UFC, but DAMN, can we stop acting like it's all roses? I really wish we could talk about our issues and air things out so that healing could begin but that won't happen. Thus the fakery continues...and thus I tend to be made to feel like I'm the one with the problem because I'm in the minority.

So I guess I'm asking, would you rather be fake and happy or real and miserable? Can you be truly happy if you aren't being real? Personally, I don't think so. I'd rather be real and miserable because at least then I'm FEELING genuine emotion and not faking it. I guess I need to think about this more though...

Man I gotta go to sleep.

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